God is Real...

Today was the day when my life changed. It was the first day I ever felt God so real with me and spoke to me really clearly, not just once, but many many times throughout the day. It’s the second H&M I’m attending and yes, the question bothered me from the first H&M service, whether I would be going up to get healed by the omnipotent God. Service was similar to yesterday’s, Pastor How and Pastor Lia preached about what they had said yesterday. But today, God reiterated his question to me….

“What are you afraid of?”

I remembered this was the exact same question that God asked me in clear voices through Charlotte yesterday. What am I afraid of? I remembered myself not knowing what to answer and replied “I don’t know, im just afraid.” Later changed the topic despite her asking again what I was afraid of. But today as Pastor How preached about the top 10 things people are afraid of, I realised yeah, so we rather deal with bugs, ghosts and zombies than to be out there being judged by people around us? I remembered when I was really young, I would dial my grandma’s number at night when I realised I was the last one awake at home, just to make sure that I was not the last one to be asleep in this world. I was afraid of ghosts bugs n basically everything. But, that was the time when I took part in a lot of competitions like storytelling in front of the school and judges panel, I performed Indian dance and Chinese dance despite I look like a ball spinning around the stage. As year passed I started getting more and more not happy about my appearance, basically getting mocked at by schoolmates about how fat I am, how ugly my mole on the chin was and so on… sneers about how fat I was went on even when I worked as a chef after alevels, being judged everywhere I go. I was unhappy in school n part of it came from judgement from classmates not wanting to be in the same project group with me in poly because my health was not in good terms, getting MC now n then, getting hospitalised… I guess the fear for these judgements was what made me consider going up for H&M. What if I cry until very ugly? What if my colleagues happen to see me up there n started asking me about it the next day at work? Too many considerations just to avoid getting judged.

Secondly, I knew very well of my fear of falling. Anyone who knows me well would know how much I hated roller coaster rides or basically anything that would leave my heart behind while I fall. I’ve heard about how many could fall under the touch of God and of course seen that in H&M yesterday myself. What if I fall backwards n the person behind couldn’t support me? As usual I worried about how I’m too heavy lols.

“Fear”, “Afraid”, “Scared”… all these negative thoughts filled me until God suddenly spoke to me again, this time in Mark 4: 35-41, where Jesus calms the storm. Mark 2:41, Jesus said to his disciples, “Why are you so afraid? Have you still no faith?”. This was when I realised, God I believe in you, for you will do wonders to me just like how you did to my grandpa…

As I went up to the front, each and every step I took, I felt eyes looking at me but strangely I felt that nothing matter that much anymore, as every step I felt God closer to me, something I had never felt before. There was no embarassment at all, in fact i felt proud to be the lucky one to be in front to be nearer to God, to talk to him personally. And as I waited for my turn to be prayed for, the insecurities were gone as I sang loudly, and all I remembered was what Pastor Lia shared on Isaiah 54:1, to sing and rejoice even when we feel barren, not letting circumstances in life affect me.

As I stood in front of the stage, right in the middle, I looked up at the singing worship team. I felt God asked me again if I wanted to be part of them one day, to sing and worship in front of everyone. I knew I felt that peace in my heart that God gave me to say that I would love to, without caring about the judgements at all….

It was my turn. I remembered having the urge to turn n look at who was behind me for support me if i fall,whether he or she big size enough nt haha, but i didnt cos i wanted to trust in God. One of the female senior leader asked, “What do you want me to pray for you today?” I replied, “actually I have kyphoscoliosis…” by then I was all in tears as I felt strongly that God was with me, ready to do his wonder. I prayed in tongues, fighting back the sniffles as Senior Leader placed her right hand on my head, praying to God to be straighten my back. The next moment was something I never never felt before. Everything in front of my eyes turned into bright light, I felt myself losing balance as I fell back. The very initial moment I knew fear surge right through every bit of me. Im falling! But in a split second I felt a pressure right on my heart as if preventing it from leaving me just like what I had mentioned about fear of leaving my heart behind from free falling. I could felt a strong arm holding on to my back, sliding from the lower back upwards as I fell. Everything felt so quick but the fall was like the slow motion films…  As I was lowered, I felt a gentle tug on my back and there I lay, already sobbing like mad. Firstly, I felt God’s assurance to me to trust and have faith that he will hold on to me, so closely. Secondly, my back that laid on the ground felt different. I remembered how the hump on the left lower back seems to get in the way… but at that time, I felt the coolness of the ground evenly distributed on both sides… no bumps getting in the way. It was really overwhelming… God, did you really did something to my back?

As I took some time to calm myself down I heard the beautiful voices of people singing around me, rejoicing on how great our God is. I stood up, carefully placed my hand to my back. Something felt different. Flatter… Bump is still there, but it felt slightly flatter… the pain on the lower back that was caused by the hyperextension to counter the curvature was gone, and for the rest of the day, I felt I stood straighter without the lower back strain. God is Great…

On the way home I was again reminded of God’s love as I sit squarely into the seat, feeling both sides of my back against the cooling backrest. If not for God revealing Himself through my friends and assuring me over and over again, I guess I would have missed the opportunity to meet God and feel his love for me so close.

God spoke to me again then to remind me to not fear the judgements of people around me about my appearance and size; for He gave me a body for me to treasure and love. I remembered how I at times had not been eating well, had not been sleeping well, or sometimes trying too hard in gym just to slim it down… Again I felt God telling me “Have faith, I will do wonders to heal your back but you got to promise to take care of this body”. Promise made, just between me and God.

Everything was overwhelming but today God became so real, today I hear every single word he spoke into my heart my mind, today I saw all the promises God made to me, today I believe God can heal me until I am all well, all with that faith and my promise I made back to Him…

I have too many drafts on this blog that I yet to share… need to get back up on track now. Had a dream that I still could not figure out if it’s just that simple, just a dream? In this dream, I was working as a staff of a bookstore. It was crowded and there came a lady who asked me around for 2 clay ornaments, I can’t remember the design of it anymore.  Then the scenario next remembered is the lady paying at the cashier. She got 2 red books, each about 1-2cm thick. There on the cover there was a brass metal stuck on and carved with the word “Jesus”, As I opened up the other book, its like verses and paragraphs that elaborated on those verses in bold. Yuebin appeared in the dream wanting to pay for the books. I woke up after that, just right on time for work despite me forgetting to set my alarm ytd night.

Didn’t quite figure out what was the meaning behind this particular dream, a type of dream I know I wouldn’t have before. I know it must be Him. Maybe Father is trying to tell me to join Charlotte in bookstore next time? Maybe I’m just like the red book with nothing on the red cover, plain and new, like how I am now starting afresh as I opened that door to let God into my heart, for that I shall learn all God’s wisdom as He start to fill me and let me know more about him? Thank You Father for being with me as you watch me grow as a young Christian, being so patient with me, even filling my dreams with Love from you…

A start of a new life living learning leading laughing and loving the new eternal life

I guess I had been getting more and more outdated on my posts... Got things to say about the awesome 2nd CG I had which i havent got down to type that post, got to share about how i needed to work on in my relationship as well, need to share about the awesome things I learn from Dr Ar Bernard today as well... hmm got to stop procrastinating n start spending more time noting down all these wonderful things that has added colours in my life before i forgot that feeling!

Well but I want to dedicate this post to my new life as a new christian as I started to learn the wisdom of God in my first follow up lesson:) So, how did it really feel like? haha i got to say so that I can laugh at myself as I grew n look back at this post. It felt like i was first day in Pri 1 again, everything seems like nervous, dont know what to expect, but at the same time I'm hungry to learn more...

Thank you for not forgetting me my Lord...

3-4 years ago, in 2011 when I turned 18, it was one of the most difficult year I had. It was the year of lots of studying, all for that Alevel papers, and it was also a year when I lead NYJC guzheng ensemble as the President of the team for our SYF. I remembered how I cried and people thanking me during the 2009 SYF as the President of Xinmin Guzheng Ensemble, when we attained the first ever Gold with Honours Award. Saying all these, it all comes down to how much stress I had in 2011, having to meet expectations of bringing honour to NYJC and to bring honour to my parents for Alevels. I hated all these, I hated studying. I've always thought that life would be better if I had been given the chance to choose my path, to enter TP for culinary arts, but still I ended myself in this deep shit to take Alevels just cos my parents wanted me to, and I respect that.

Stress was everywhere. That year, I met a group of friends from Sengkang CC study room. It was that year that our MP decided to initiate to open the study room for 24hrs with food n drinks for students. It was a nice n cozy place where I met friends from all other JCs and made it my second home. One of a friend brought me to a church to worship you from then, brought me for CG that was held every week. I remembered I kneeled before you and felt your presence in one of the service. I still kept that pocket bible grandma gave me, and that small cross with a heart in the middle. I bought myself a bible too cos I wanted to know you better. I remembered how dad was angry for me turning to you my lord, but I went on to be with you and relationship with my family worsened. I felt peace, a place to let my stresses go and to talk to you, but thinking back about how I did it that time, lord I needed to seek your forgiveness for I had been trying to connect to you wrongly. I was not taught how to really pray to you, how to worship and praise you my lord. I remembered how I only just kept coming to you to want to receive from you my lord, and then, to me, worshipping is just singing to you in church. I was wrong. I followed how the rest praised you on social media, getting lots of likes for doing it? Today I reflect upon all my mistakes I made with you, and maybe that was why you made that friend of mine to leave me right before alevels? The day my friend broke ties with me, I was devastated and hurted alot. I stopped believing in you that year just cos I lost that friend, relationship with my family was strained as well.

When I studied Occupational Therapy, you gave me a friend, Jolyn. Shes a lovely girl then, a devoted christian. I remembered how I went to the christmas play she invited us to, the play when I watched the actors play out the story of Jesus Christ and how he sacrificed himself on the cross. However that day during worship I felt uncomfortable. I respected, but still, I did not believe in you. 

2014, during our 3rd year as an Occupational Therapy student. We all grew, we matured. Jolyn left us cos she thinks that this threesome clique is not benefitting her, and there, she mixed with the 'scholars group of friends. Then, I really really lost touch with you lord. No more small little notes of encouragement from Jolyn with verses from the bible, nobody inviting us to church. I grew to forget about you. This year, i fell. Really really badly when my ex decided to leave me. Fell into bad depresssion, hospitalised and everything. Thinking back, if I had believed in you my lord, would things been different, maybe I would have felt better? But I believe in this too my lord--

this could be just a preparation for the best of me now. Yes I was badly hurt, but I learnt, I grew. I paused school and now found back my love in cooking n baking and now, I'm looking forward to go back to school in April, I knew my school life will be different now with you walking me through.

Christmas, the day when all my friends worship and remember your love for us. But christmas in 2014 was just another normal day for me. I worked from morning till night, reached home n went to sleep, next day wake up n work again. I lost touch with you.

New year eve, when my friends gathered together to countdown, when my family gathered to countdown with food n fruit ciders, I was working again. I remembered how I missed the train all this while I tried coming home early after work but, 11.59pm i was downstairs at my block, I wanted to stop the time badly. The clock struck 12am when I was all alone in the lift, there, its 2015. it all started badly. Really badly. 1st day of the year I fell so sick at work,high fever. how bad can that be? From then, I sighed, 2015 is going to be a bad year ahead :(:(:( To make that believe even more true, Grandpa fell sick. Very sick all of a sudden. It pained my heart to see him all well on one day, still going out to buy 4D and magazines, then suddenly next day seeing him weak n refusing food and medication. That day he fell 3 times. The next few days I saw my grandpa deteriorate and even bedridden. Grandpa started talking about his stories, his regrets in life, talking to me to tell me listen to parents n study well, everything as if he's going to join you any moment. I felt lost and really bad that time as I just cant give grandpa more time, to talk to him all I could, to spend time with him, because I got work. One day, I went to talk to grandpa, he asked my mum who I was. I felt the world crashing down on me. I was afraid. My bf was away on the mission to find the missing plane. I got no one to turn to, but it hurts to see things becoming like this. For that I thought I needed to change my job! Went for the interview that I had hesitated for long while I was at work in sentosa, n lied to them I gtta go haha. well im glad I did that, cos for that I was accepted as the chef immediately on day of interview! My boyfriend was right, I could do it.  Then I got a new job on 9 Jan at ABC that made everything seems better:) I only needed to work till 2pm and I could come home earlier to be with grandpa. Back then, I did not know you had already been drawing a path to lead me back to you. 

10 Jan, you sent the pastors to visit Grandpa. They prayed for him, but again, I could not be there as I still got to work at sentosa that weekend. That night when I was home, mum said Grandpa was so energized when he was with the pastors. He was in good mood, he talked sensibly... Thank you for loving him so much even though he hadnt been praying n being with you for sooooo long, never step into church for close to 20 years... For your love for my grandpa, I am truly thankful for what you gave him.

11 Jan, you got Charlotte to invite me to HOGC! :) Initially I would say I was like hmm...shd I go... how would the church be like... but 2 reasons made me turn up eventually:)

1. Charlotte bday celebration! how can I not go, and gtta bake something for her:):):)

2. That day grandpa got bedridden again :( All I thought was, if grandpa believed in you my lord, I need to be there to pray for him, to ask you for strength and forgiveness in behalf of my grandpa.

I had a great day that day. Caught up with Charlotte, like LONG LOST FRIEND? Met lots of new friends who are lovely n really friendly:) I started to love HOGC, I like the way Pastor How talked about how I could change to be a successful person. I found out what I had been doing wrong. It made me make up that jittery mind of whether I should really quit the job at sentosa cove. n YES. y spend my time n skills there when its not put into good use? Well n most importantly, u brought me closer to you. That day when I worshipped, yes I felt slightly uncomfortable still, but I needed your help to bring strength to my grandpa, I needed you to bring strength to my boyfriend who posted lots of depressing stuffs about how depressed he was out there... That day, I asked for your help sincerely, not for me, but to the people who love me just like how you love them so...

Next 2 days, Grandpa got better again! Mum said it was the weather that got better. I believed that. But I asked myself maybe it was something greater. That week was much better, although grandpa was weak, but not bedridden at least, n he remembered me:) I also found out that there were many friends working in ABC being loved by you in HOGC that monday:) that made me even closer to you as they spoke about how they came to you in HOGC... That same week, I remembered how Tommy called to share about how he found a floating corpse. He sounded excited over the phone, depicting the process of how he reported it and all. I knew it was you my lord. You took him away from me during new year, because you had to send him to finish a bigger mission out there. You had given him your eyes and wisdom to find the missing one. I was proud of Tommy. Really thankful for all he had done with you watching over him when he was out there tired and frustrated about why he was out there, to bring back the missing soul to someone whom you loved in indonesia.

18 Jan, I felt that I want to go HOGC again. I want to meet the awesome ppl there, and I wanted to be with you, with all the people who love you and whom you love. That day Dr Robi and Pastor Leo strengthened me, to conquer giants. Before this, I asked myself why has the year been so bad for me so far? theres so many problems surfacing and just when we thought things are better, more problems came. Got all my answers from this service and I shared that with Tommy that day. There were lots of things I wanted to share with Tommy, well but he seemed quite, not interested. He changed so much when he came back... :( I longed to see his smile like how he smiled on our first date, but all was lost :( That same day, I learned too. I think that it was not a coincidence to become friends with Charlotte in P2, it was definitely not just cos I was the monitress. It was you my lord. Its part of your plan to bring me back to you, to start to believe in you even after not being in contact with charlotte for like 13 years. 

That week, grandpa was on and off good and bad. I got him a shaver but I got scolded:( Well I guess frustrations made him refuse the electric shaver. 22 Jan, my grandfather was almost well! he walked ard CARRYING the walking frame... that same day, my boyfriend passed his test! lord I knew it was you. You answered my prayers to you for my grandpa. Tommy said to me "pray for me", i knew i had to do it despite still not knowing how to really talk to you. I remembered I asked you to be with him, to give him strength, give him the wisdom and to remind him of anything he hadnt seen or forgotten during his test. I was amazed each time you made things happen. A week before my mum was googling for christian funerals (OMG) but u amazed me to make my grandpa miraculously improve n recover in matter of days...this day, I asked i my prayers on how i should do to help my distressed boyfriend...HOW! what should I do to keep this relationship going...why is Tommy distancing apart again?

23 Jan, I attended my first CG with Charlotte. Waimun shared her testimony and I saw how you had touched her life as well. It was a great day and the girls prayed to you for my grandpa to be even better than how he had recovered so far and better than before. I was really really thankful for it, and I knew you heard their prayers for him before that too before I even come HOGC... Today lord answered my prayer and sent tommy's best friend to talk to him the whole evening! He felt so much better and his friend reassured him about my love for him... I guess I really cant dont believe that you have answered my prayer once more...

24 Jan, today morning I woke with Tommy's love messages. it was answered once more about our strained relationship I asked god last night. Today grandpa sat like a boss reading newspaper once more, and e started doing sudoku again just like before. yes prayers work. Thank you lord for making wonderful things happen. This day grandpa turned to me as i sat there watching tv with him. He asked for the electric shaver. After 3-4 weeks not shaving and being so unkempt, grandpa sat at his seat and shaved. Without having to fear cutting himself with the normal blade shaver, or having the struggle to see where he should shave due to his very poor eyesight as he could just feel the stubbles with other hand. I was amazed again by how these small little things happened,but yes it was all planned right? Even for how you had made me an occupational therapy student to bring healthcare knowledge for my grandparents,family and friends? 

25 Jan, Tommy questioned my love for him. the voices in his mind had been telling him to doubt me... I was lost and really sad...Its difficult... I felt that this relationship is so difficult with "someone" trying to ruin it... Lord, you had done alot for me and answered so many prayers from me. Today as pastor Joakim asked that question, I knew it was time for me to give my life to you. You proved me so much in a matter of 3 weeks, you gave me every answers to my questions to you, and this day I asked for acceptance and forgiveness of my sins and guide me through to believe in you and knowing more about you as I said the most important prayer...

26 Jan, father you amazed me early in the morning again. 3 lifts that were under maintenance and as I prayed in jesus name for a small request to send me a lift up, just one, so that I wont be late for work? As i walked down the stairs as fast as I could. A thought suddenly just came to my mind, I got to take a photo of the lift! lol I think you made me do it... and the next thing i knew, the lift door behind me opened and a man walked out?! shocked... but I took the lift down... that must not be a coincidence... for you are the greatest and really could do anything... Thankyou for loving me and bringing me back to you...