Today was the day when my life changed. It was the first day
I ever felt God so real with me and spoke to me really clearly, not just once,
but many many times throughout the day. It’s the second H&M I’m attending
and yes, the question bothered me from the first H&M service, whether I
would be going up to get healed by the omnipotent God. Service was similar to
yesterday’s, Pastor How and Pastor Lia preached about what they had said
yesterday. But today, God reiterated his question to me….
“What are you afraid of?”
I remembered this was the exact same question that God asked
me in clear voices through Charlotte yesterday. What am I afraid of? I
remembered myself not knowing what to answer and replied “I don’t know, im just
afraid.” Later changed the topic despite her asking again what I was afraid of.
But today as Pastor How preached about the top 10 things people are afraid of,
I realised yeah, so we rather deal with bugs, ghosts and zombies than to be out
there being judged by people around us? I remembered when I was really young, I
would dial my grandma’s number at night when I realised I was the last one
awake at home, just to make sure that I was not the last one to be asleep in
this world. I was afraid of ghosts bugs n basically everything. But, that was
the time when I took part in a lot of competitions like storytelling in front
of the school and judges panel, I performed Indian dance and Chinese dance
despite I look like a ball spinning around the stage. As year passed I started
getting more and more not happy about my appearance, basically getting mocked
at by schoolmates about how fat I am, how ugly my mole on the chin was and so
on… sneers about how fat I was went on even when I worked as a chef after
alevels, being judged everywhere I go. I was unhappy in school n part of it
came from judgement from classmates not wanting to be in the same project group
with me in poly because my health was not in good terms, getting MC now n then,
getting hospitalised… I guess the fear for these judgements was what made me
consider going up for H&M. What if I cry until very ugly? What if my
colleagues happen to see me up there n started asking me about it the next day
at work? Too many considerations just to avoid getting judged.
Secondly, I knew very well of my fear of falling. Anyone who
knows me well would know how much I hated roller coaster rides or basically
anything that would leave my heart behind while I fall. I’ve heard about how
many could fall under the touch of God and of course seen that in H&M
yesterday myself. What if I fall backwards n the person behind couldn’t support
me? As usual I worried about how I’m too heavy lols.
“Fear”, “Afraid”, “Scared”… all these negative thoughts
filled me until God suddenly spoke to me again, this time in Mark 4: 35-41,
where Jesus calms the storm. Mark 2:41, Jesus said to his disciples, “Why are
you so afraid? Have you still no faith?”. This was when I realised, God I
believe in you, for you will do wonders to me just like how you did to my
grandpa…
As I went up to the front, each and every step I took, I
felt eyes looking at me but strangely I felt that nothing matter that much
anymore, as every step I felt God closer to me, something I had never felt
before. There was no embarassment at all, in fact i felt proud to be the lucky one to be in front to be nearer to God, to talk to him personally. And as I waited for my turn to be prayed for, the insecurities were
gone as I sang loudly, and all I remembered was what Pastor Lia shared on
Isaiah 54:1, to sing and rejoice even when we feel barren, not letting
circumstances in life affect me.
As I stood in front of the stage, right in the middle, I
looked up at the singing worship team. I felt God asked me again if I wanted to
be part of them one day, to sing and worship in front of everyone. I knew I
felt that peace in my heart that God gave me to say that I would love to,
without caring about the judgements at all….
It was my turn. I remembered having the urge to turn n look at who was behind me for support me if i fall,whether he or she big size enough nt haha, but i didnt cos i wanted to trust in God. One of the female senior leader asked, “What
do you want me to pray for you today?” I replied, “actually I have
kyphoscoliosis…” by then I was all in tears as I felt strongly that God was
with me, ready to do his wonder. I prayed in tongues, fighting back the
sniffles as Senior Leader placed her right hand on my head, praying to God to
be straighten my back. The next moment was something I never never felt before.
Everything in front of my eyes turned into bright light, I felt myself losing
balance as I fell back. The very initial moment I knew fear surge right through
every bit of me. Im falling! But in a split second I felt a pressure right on
my heart as if preventing it from leaving me just like what I had mentioned
about fear of leaving my heart behind from free falling. I could felt a strong
arm holding on to my back, sliding from the lower back upwards as I fell.
Everything felt so quick but the fall was like the slow motion films… As I was lowered, I felt a gentle tug on my
back and there I lay, already sobbing like mad. Firstly, I felt God’s assurance
to me to trust and have faith that he will hold on to me, so closely. Secondly,
my back that laid on the ground felt different. I remembered how the hump on
the left lower back seems to get in the way… but at that time, I felt the
coolness of the ground evenly distributed on both sides… no bumps getting in
the way. It was really overwhelming… God, did you really did something to my
back?
As I took some time to calm myself down I heard the
beautiful voices of people singing around me, rejoicing on how great our God
is. I stood up, carefully placed my hand to my back. Something felt different.
Flatter… Bump is still there, but it felt slightly flatter… the pain on the
lower back that was caused by the hyperextension to counter the curvature was
gone, and for the rest of the day, I felt I stood straighter without the lower
back strain. God is Great…
On the way home I was again reminded of God’s love as I sit
squarely into the seat, feeling both sides of my back against the cooling backrest.
If not for God revealing Himself through my friends and assuring me over and
over again, I guess I would have missed the opportunity to meet God and feel
his love for me so close.
God spoke to me again then to remind me to not fear the
judgements of people around me about my appearance and size; for He gave me a
body for me to treasure and love. I remembered how I at times had not been eating
well, had not been sleeping well, or sometimes trying too hard in gym just to
slim it down… Again I felt God telling me “Have faith, I will do wonders to
heal your back but you got to promise to take care of this body”. Promise made,
just between me and God.
Everything was overwhelming but today God became so real,
today I hear every single word he spoke into my heart my mind, today I saw all
the promises God made to me, today I believe God can heal me until I am all
well, all with that faith and my promise I made back to Him…
