Discouragements and what it means to be "God FIRST"

Matthew 6:33

But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you.

Everything came to light because of this verse,as I decided to place all my burdens and disappointments with God for I know these are trials that i needed to understand why God placed me through all these, how then I could be blameless and obey what God wants me to portray the heart of God as...

Having been through a week of disappointments and as I packed my bag to penang, I took out my laptop and placed my notebook in with my bible instead. It was not cos the books were lighter, but I wanted to get myself ready for a breakthrough in this season, persistently and consistently seeking God in everything. Because of this, strong revelations just kept coming that pieced up all my doubts. Indeed, as Pastor Lia shared how when God has given us His promises, in this case I knew God will eventually bring away all the burdens and problems I've been facing, but we also can't sit around waiting for the breakthrough to come on its own! 

On my trip to Penang, I decided to revisit the sermon on "How to get out of Discouragements" and through this it grew my faith in God. One strong msg that really got into me was condemnations.

1 John 3:20 

For if our heart condemns us, God is greater than our heart, and knows all things.

Like what was also shared by Pastor How, it really takes no effort to b negative, just like how weeds grow among the beautiful flowers or crops. 

Revelation 1: It doesnt matter what condemns us in life, who condemns us in life but God knows all things. Even before we ask for anything, He knows.

- I remembered when I was learning how to do gardening, Jo always tell us to remove the weeds as it takes up extra nutrients from your plant. Through this I knew, I want to be the one to take that effort to be willing to stretch, remove the weeds in my life and plant in good seeds. 

- I came to understand that these weeds are not the people who condemn me, but the misunderstandings they had of me and of God. That is one, Robby. Many people had been telling me to leave and stop working for him in this restaurant, but God told me otherwise. It's not about condemning him back nor removing him from my life, but instead its letting him understand the heart of God through me. I wanted to follow God's will, as God had sowed the word in me, I want to be sowed into the lives of people around to bring them closer to God instead of going further from them.

- Pastor Lia shared: What will roll off your tongue when you are being nudged? Are these words of death? Or words that will nourish and encourage others?

There, I took a step of faith to stop bearing grudges and invited Robby to bring his boys along for service this weekend, and I shared abt what I learnt from 1 John 3:20. I wanted him to know that Regina who grew in God is different from the depressed one last time alrdy, but instead he was wrong, I just grow stronger after each trials, removing the "weeds", the judgements he had abt me. Condemnations does not matter to me anymore, and more so I wont condemn anyone for I knew our God will never condemn anyone. That to say, Robby rejected my offer again and again despite me encouraging him to bring his kids along for children day celebration let them enjoy abit, mentioning that he just wanna stay home. The more I encouraged him to do so the tug in my heart to invite him came stronger, and soon i was even offering to go to his house to fetch his boys to and fro while he stay home rest. still, rejected, Tbh, I was frustrated how he deprived his sons from church for his own selfish means, but i held it back and continued sharing the word of God i was blessed with in this week's service, sowing the "Good seeds" God gave me...

Revelation 2: God paid a high price to seek and buy us! There is nothing we can do to earn our salvation, and money or good works just cannot buy the relationship that God have with us.

- God sent Charlotte into my life who brought me to accept Christ and there's always this one person God send to help Him find His treasures

- I want to be one of God's precious treasure through my life, the pearl of great price that was built up through pain and irritations. Discouragements, trials, judgements, tribulations.... I remembered how I used to have shooked my fist at God asking why is it me again, if He loves me why is it that all the bad things just keep happening on me, why is God not doing anything to stop them? The big ans came from Pastor How's article, God created me. I trust in God as he builds me up into a beauty through the price he paid.

- I wanted to be the one to be used by God to find His treasures. I knew I could do nothing to let God love me more or less, but I was glad I had obeyed God's will and had invited director of the company i worked in. It must be God. I had been trying to invite him since 5 weeks back but each time in vain but as i on my phone ytd after landing in changi airport, i received his msg that he will be coming for service 2! Its been a while since I invited anyone! on one hand I was happy, on the other hand tbh i was nervous shit :x Thank God everything went well ytd and I myself received so much from the word of God!

- If God is willing to pay anything for me to be saved, what more should i ask for and I will be willing to be the one to do anything to get my friends and family saved too! One thing i had found strength in God is to really ask BOLDLY!

I have done little but God gave me the strength to do even more in my stretch for more breakthroughs, Faith and holiness kept me going and I know from this day i yearn even more to do my life for God and with God, 

Discouragements

Too many things happen in just one week... problems after problems, disappointments after disappointments...

1. Been busy with new menu trainings as I went the extra mile to really go through everything in the recipe book and clarify, summarising everything on a "cheatsheet" for the sake of asia sq abc chef team. But, so what if i do so much? people dont appreciate and took them for granted and what hurts was people PITYING me and being nice to me just cos i had depression before? I guess if the Regina before would have been angry cos it was humiliating, but today I say it hurt not cos it was a personal attack, but it hurt cos it came out of the mouth of the follower of Christ; it hurt cos why ppl dont understand...

Remembered what was shared in the service of Intimacy with God, where I asked myself:

Am I an example to the people around us, an alternative voice or light to others? Are the things I say or do reflect God, living the way God wants me to?

but I'm burdened, very burdened on how to let those who dont understand, start to understand the heart of our God... but i dont know how...

2. Penang Gugu passed away out of the sudden without saying goodbye. Daddy and mummy cried upon receiving the call. It hurts cos the strongest guy at home held the phone and just kept tearing, a scene we last saw when I was 7 when the hospital called abt the death of my grandma. The nxt few days I was just challenged to pick up the burden of taking care of grandparents and siblings on top of the hectic workload before i fly to penang for the wake later on thurs... I gave all to take good care of grandparents, I gave all to prep bkfast for siblings but its still NOT ENOUGH...

I missed gugu too, knowing it wont be a "see you again" goodbye to her, it placed fear in me... life and death, when will be the last day we see each other? When will be the last chance to get this one person saved and secure an eternal life with God? 

3. The dilemma of attending the chinese rituals in Penang as a christian was a huge fear...

Exodus 20:5

you shall not bow down to them nor serve them. For I, the Lord your God,am a jealous God

Remembered what was shared by Pastor John Bevere: A person who is scared of God is cos he's got something to hide; but a person who fears God fears being AWAY from God. That was the exact fear I had, afraid of immersing myself too much into those chinese rituals but needed to cos parents were unhappy if i dont... 

Promise land or the Promiser?

It's been long since my last post in July and many things had changed. Drastically I mean. Fallen out of school cos I said "I give up", n there I am now back working as a part time chef, a guzheng instructor and programme coordinator. Many asked, arent you tired doing all this, holding 3 jobs in your hands and working mon to sun? Honestly, yes I am. But also I am too busy to go back to God too. Time when I wake in morning was spent on TV shows, prog coordinator projects, or just stoning before chef work starts; train trips became napping time; breaktime spent on laptop; after work time spent on washing up n flopped dead on bed. That became the cycle every single day, and so where was the "God's time"? idk...

As Pastor John Bevere was sharing abt the series of Good or God, God touched my heart once more. Suddenly i realised my missing "God's time" in my everyday and how I failed to even try maintaining that relationship with my heavenly Father. So what if work brings me money? Yes God promised me financial stability at the end of the day with all the 3 jobs i hold, my promise land. But, what is good may not be God, and tears fell as I realised I had been naive to not realise I had been pursuing the wrong goal. Pastor John Bevere mentioned abt how sometimes we pray for the wrong things and kept going towards the wrong goal and there I was, going in the wrong direction. It all comes down to asking myself this:

What is my TRUE goal? Do I want to seek the promise land that God had promise me, or do I want to seek the Promiser?

Exodus 22:1-3

Then the Lord said to Moses, “Depart and go up from here, you and the people whom you have brought out of the land of Egypt, to the land of which I swore to Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, saying, ‘To your descendants I will give it.’ 2 And I will send My Angel before you, and I will drive out the Canaanite and the Amorite and the Hittite and the Perizzite and the Hivite and the Jebusite.3 Go up to a land flowing with milk and honey; for I will not go up in your midst, lest I consume you on the way, for you are a stiff-necked people.”

God told Moses to go to the land he promised but He will not go with them Himself. There, the answer was clear. If I have to choose I knew I would rather have God's presence without His promises than to have God's promises without His presence... 

That day I cried in a mess in service. Pastor gave us a min to talk to God, tell Him something that I want to, just like how we will talk to our daddy... I reached my hands up, remembering a service that was preached on what it meant when our hands are positioned in different positions... My outreached hands wanted to surrender my life my commitments back to God once more, and said: "God, Father, I missed you, so much..." There and then I knew God heard me and this unexplanable peace just surged in and i had the feeling of daddy's care just like how a dad will pick the baby up when they reach their hands up in the air.... 

Pastors always mention:

Time is the price to God's presence

1 Chronicles 16:11

Seek the Lord and His strength;
Seek His face evermore!

I knew I not just need to come to God more, but persistently, continuously... just like the song that sung: I need you more, more than ytd, I need you more, more than words can say. I need you more, than ever before.... 

Growing love for the Presence of God

It was a stressful day from morning till 5pm when practical exams was over. I wouldn't say that I done it well at all, cos I obviously couldnt finish my movement analysis model qn in the limited 10mins. I found myself fearing all over again for the exams. I found myself telling others I'm so stressed, i'm scared deep down that i will fail this n that shall make me the most useless person for failing this module exams 5 times... I feared the unknown of which qn will come out and how I would fare on the spot, how much would I panic in the exam room with just me n the lecturer. Each time I prayed n I prayed, I knew I didnt want this qn to come out deep down but I knew, prayers dont work that way. So all I did was to pray for God to be with me and yes, I needed God's grace so much, the peace and wisdom... For the past exams, I always told myself just depend on luck and myself. But this exam was the first after the fire for God started burning in me and I knew I had to trust in God for this on top of my studying and practice for it. Probably the Regina in the past would hv turned angry and lose that faith in God when I saw the dreaded question come out in front of me, thinking that God just wanted to fail me once more. But today I was happy that God gave me that question, for I knew that that was what I was most uncertain about and had tried avoiding in my revision for the past days; and God wanted to challenge and train my brain to think through it myself. I did it anw and I knew God was in control of everything, each time I panicked in the exam room, I felt an immediate calmness thereafter and I fumbled around so much less than last time. Glad that it's all over!

After the exams, started to make my way down to church. Over this 5 months plus, heart of god church was never a place where religious people go every sunday. It has been a place where I strengthened and grow with God's words preached by pastors and leaders every week, a place I built up my relationship with God,a place where i found smiles and love with the big family... Each time i said "it's great to be in church with you today!", i never felt this happy before, like true happiness. Day after day, I found myself yearn more and more for God's presence, God's presence under my fig tree, God's presence in Church. Sometimes i wondered how God find me everywhere since my fig tree changes everywhere at home, anywhere when nobody is around to disturb my quiet time with God; sometimes on my bed, sometimes at my desk, sometimes on my parents' bed, sometimes in the cluttered storeroom.... But God was always there. Like what the bible always said, when we gather around to pray and worship, God is always among us too. This was how God made me yearn to go back to church whenever I could. From the day I accepted Jesus into my life, sundays made up the best day of my week, church became my home.

My Kyphoscoliosis, My disability, My Joy

Scoliosis. This awful illness, disability or whatever people calls it, has been with me since Sec 1? For so many years, each time I told anyone about it, I felt so little. Each time I talked about it, I felt the judgement placed upon me, the judgement on my parents who passed the genes to me. Each time people asked me "Regina can you stand straight? Stop slouching!" Each time I smiled and corrected my posture once more but deep down, I cried. At times, I remember answering, "Oh, its cos I have scoliosis, it will always be like this."
1. Have that mean I had given in to fate and didnt even bother to correct it already...
2. Others always reply "its just an excuse la you..."

Many times I asked myself if I had brought this upon myself. I remembered the day my elder sister wore the back brace for her scoliosis for the first time, she cried n cried cos it was uncomfortable. My parents cried cos it hurt them to see their child like this. That day I excused myself n remembered going into the room and said, "if my elder sister can get better, if my sister dont cry, i am willing to take her place! I can be the one with scoliosis if she dont cry..." Few years later when my sister stopped wearing braces, I was called upon the school nurse to follow up with the specialist for scoliosis...

Sometimes I asked myself had it been because of me going for grocery shopping with my mum every week and carry the load of a week's grocery for 9 pax on my back each time we come back from the market. There and then I started doing it when I was only Primary 2, when Sengkang was just bare land and we need to travel to Hougang to get groceries.

So then, my first scoliosis check... 40degrees. My mum asked if i needed a back brace like my elder sister and I remembered the doctor said "actually, I dont think the back brace will be that effective for your daughter actually. The back brace does not correct, it just prevents the back from worsening, and besides that I think shes done with puberty not growing in height all this already, probably brace wont work. For anyone with 40degrees and above, a back brace wont work anyway. Regina needs a surgery." I did not opt for the surgery. I saw mum's face change when she knew the surgery is going to cost more than $10000 and how her daughter will be sliced apart on the back n screw rods n screws to the spine.

And so, I just come for follow up checks. 50 degrees the next yr. 55 degrees the yr after... Each time the doctor asked if I wanted to go for operation n I shook my head. Then the doctor said he will have to discharge me since Im not going to do anything.

A few years later, my back started aching each and every day. Then, I was JC 2 and I requested to be referred back. Good thing is I referred myself back at the right time such that my fees will still be subsidised at student rate even after graduation from JC, but still, each visit costed $60 at least...

The first check, close 60degrees. 2nd check a yr later it dropped back to 53. Then 50... Then 45++ and stagnated there.

24 July 2013, I found out the real reason behind the improvement in degrees which I had been happy about. NUH invested in this 2 plane xray machine n there my xray was taken not just the front view anymore, but the side view showed the lumbar kyphosis that came together. I straightened my body to bring it back to norm position to deal with the ugly look i had for scoliosis, but I caused my back to be forced to compensate and turn the other way round... I smiled and just said ohhh thats why.... but deep down I knew im in trouble cos this degenerative just cant get away from me and look at that hyperextended lower back that impinges and causing much pain... Life is unfair why is it only me...

16 July 2014, check again. not much changes... but this check was the most judged one i ever felt. That day my ex offered to come for the check with me. But when I saw his mum tagging along and she asking questions abt it running in the genes etc. I knew she worried abt me being with her son. Each qn she asked made me uneasy and wanted to dig a hole to hide from her judgemental look. I remembered feeling sorry for being someone whom she felt disabled and so... I just felt useless anyway...

This is yesterday's xray. 7 July 2015. No changes at all. But each procedure I went through was no longer fearful. I had my mum with me. More importantly, I was excited for the testimony that God will put into my life. I remembered Nats shared on the train one day after I gave my life to Jesus not long later, about H&M. She asked me if Ive got anything I want to be prayed for or anyone else in my life needs to be prayed for. It was then she shared about how a girl got healed of her scoliosis. I was so new to God that time, I didn't even know God does healing and he CAN actually heal anything as there wasnt any healing healing thing done in my previous religion anw. Testimony of that girl awed me and I wanted to be like her. During my first H&M i felt the peace in my heart and took a step of faith for the first time and experienced that touch of God; not just the presence but I felt God's promising touch and love so close for the first time in my life. That day I cried like a baby but it did not matter anw already. Since then, I look forward for this xray to show everyone how Great our God is. Today I can smile bcause God loves me so much, and this is why...

As I went into the doctor's room to listen to the 'verdict' of how my back has changed. Deep down i prayed that H&M would have changed my life some way or another because God really felt so real for both H&M as I fell under his touch. Doctor said, "actually there is no change at all to the degree". Sighs. Really, how can I not get disappointed about it when I really wished I could get that breakthrough too. Just when I tried getting over that disappointment deep inside, while i continued smiling, the doctor continued, "actually, its strange. I am surprised at your case. usually people with your case, by now I would see how they hunch forward more and more every single year i see them, or the degree worsen... but u didnt! the degree remained the same, you are still standing upright... nothing changed!"

The words "I am surprised" placed that HUGE faith back into me. Those words the doctor said made me smile the biggest smile and deep down I felt the disappointment gone too and I smiled deep down. I knew God was there with me. It wasnt what the doctor name it as just a miracle, but I knew God had made the surprises. Today God had shown me how could find real joy amidst of trials. This kyphoscoliosis has been with me for so long and will be with me for more years to come. Today I believed that God had planned this to be with me to make me stronger from the judgements people placed on me, from the pain I experienced to the point that sometimes the pain shoots up the spine with every step I took. God placed that peace in my heart to no longer fear about how things will become with this degenerative spine for He will be there, still WILLING and CAN heal me so long I believe in him.

Matthew 9:27-33

As Jesus went on from there, two blind men followed Him, crying out, "Have mercy on us, Son of David!" When He entered the house, the blind men came up to Him, and Jesus said to them, "Do you believe that I am able to do this?" They said to Him, "Yes, Lord." Then He touched their eyes, saying, "It shall be done to you according to your faith."

Faith changed all I've seen about this problem of mine. Yes i said problem cos it had inevitably affected me especially when pain comes. But today I no longer feel fearful about how this will be with me for life and worsen cos God can bring a breakthrough for me. I no longer feel small from the judgements people made cos while Fear make us loveless, powerless and mindless, but I have faith to feel loved, powerful and mindful! 

2 Corinthians 12:9-10

And He has said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness " Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ's sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong.

5 years back I wouldn't have shared these anywhere to anyone. Never will I anyhow share the scary xrays, but today on, each xrays and updates about my back is a testimony of God's love for me and how God made me stronger and stronger to no longer need to live in that little bubble of mine, not willing to step out to the world outside that thin layer of so called protection. God is that real protection I can fall back on and with Faith, I really believe Kyphoscoliosis is not a disability.

3 days of BMT

And today, 31 May 2015, marks the end of the 3 days of BMT. Wanted to call it the end of the journey in BMT but its really, just the start, and I cant wait for more to come to grow and serve my best in the house of God, not like a servant, but like a daughter.

BMT day 1.... Lost sheep dunno where to go, but led by nats and daph to registration booth. Haha looking like Pri 1 kids with senior buddies, but believing in me that I will really grow alot through BMT. I remembered when I first googled Heart of God Church when I was still not a follower of Jesus Christ, I saw the BMT poster 2014. I never expected myself to start going for this back then, getting enrolled in BMT to start disciplining myself to grow and learn to become a better person and to learn more about how I serve God in Church, growing in my faith through this journey. I think there was at least 5 guys asking why i was signing on to army and gave me the shocked expressions in the msges, haha obviously im so not looking like im fit for the army XP But yes, I had made the decision, determined to sign on, to something even greater, signing on to the ARMY OF GOD. 

And so, after BMT day 1, I remembered asking nats about what she see in me that I could improve on through my learning as a disciple of God. But the qn that challenged me is so what I personally feel I need to grow in the most right now? Although I dont like thinking about the past but I did it anyway. Seeing myself like a wretch through the course of time especially after the breakup, never able to stand myself up and living in self pity, everything was in total mess and days were just going by without any plans nor visions... A man without visions fails, A man who fails to plan will plan to fail then... I needed a plan to follow! To know how to prioritise and plan if i dont want to lead a messed up life again...

And so! I knew i needed to do it. Calendar, planner... At the same time, of course im rather worried about my sustainability through this... remembered how i tried doing it last time n only lasted 2 days each time :x Prayed to God to guide me through this, from finding the right app that can make things more accessible and easier to use; to planning and making best use of the planner:) 

Today, its been a week, I got my lectures, practical lessons, guzheng lessons, meetings all keyed in, so that im in CONTROL of my plans and not suddenly realise a clash in timings of meetings or what:) Whats more, each description section under QT slot is where I note the words shared to me that day, remembering everything God speaks to me that day....

BMT day 2! The day that tested me...

It's the day of follow up lesson 7! nope i didnt forget my scripture memory verse: Trust in Him at all times, you people; Pour out your heart before him, God is a refuge for us. Selah. 

I guessed I had been trying to avoid looking at what problems I had in life but faith made me talk about the problem that lingered in family... I just wanted to be a better person, a changed person with Christ, be one that reflects the glory of God... Felt that peace in my heart that things will work out as we prayed...

Evangelism, being a friend.... What is the "Strike Zone"? Through this session, I knew more about the story of HOGC:) 

So, the real challenge of the day on my faith came after reaching home late after BMT on a Fri night... I made dad angry for coming home late... Dad couldnt understand why i needed to keep going church. When he know i was under ministry training he got even angrier at how i commit too much in church... To me, i felt i was not wrong, and instead i felt i was wronged. Why can't I have a say to my believes... As my dad dug out the past on how i am such a disappointment since young, how i cant do well academically, how i failed as a person in many ways, character... I could have rebutted at every single thing he said. But i just made a promise to God in the afternoon, I can be angry but I cannot sin... I didnt want to rebutt at all like how i usually will do, shouting back my stand which would make things worse... 

As i listened, it reminded me of what was taught in BMT day one about discipleship... Sometimes truth hurts, alot... But indeed those are areas i needed improvement in... I chose to honour dad's words to me... When he brought up how i couldnt get so good results, deep down I really wanted to say... "Daddy, sorry. I know I really cant study that well like jie jie or didi mei mei... since young u always tell me stop it, stop taking shortcuts, stop doing things last min but i didnt follow your advices... but daddy, each time u tell me that u think i confirm cant make it one, if i cant make it through i can jolly well go sweep floor go find a job n suffer outside... all these remarks hurt me alot... PSLE, Olevels, Alevels, each year u told me the same discouraging remarks..."

Am I really that useless... i wanna say... "Daddy, u know i can do other things well too... when i was offered to take up art and craft in sec 3, remember you said its going to be a waste of time? I was one of the rare students chosen by school to tale that subject... only with invitation letter to take up that subject... but well i was glad eventually u made me drop that subject cos I could have landed myself studying a combined science combi etc. But I indeed had scored all As in my artpieces for that 2 years... Daddy, do u know I was like the best cook in home econs class? Do u know the pineapple tarts u love to eat during new yr I rolled each of them with you in mind, did you feel my desire to hear from you that they are nice? Daddy, do u know when i worked in marche restaurant, being a chef for the first time, i yearned for u n mummy to see how ppl awe at how i cooked 5 pans of spanish paella at one go? do you know how much i yearned for u n mummy to try what i cook there... To show colleagues that your support me, to let them tell you how they think i cook better than the fulltimers there? Daddy, do you know when I worked in ABC, 4yrs after being in marche, i still yearned for ur to see me in chef uniform, to be proud of my cooking... but again till the last day of work your didnt come... "

When dad say i am always putting friends before family, I wanna say... "Sorry, i will change. I do love all of you... small little things I do that your dont much notice too... I yearned to be like those friends who have close knitted family. But im known as the useless one at home, even siblings dont feel like talking much to me... Each time i step into the hse, its not what u described it as im treating home like a hotel... but i yearned to be loved in this home... i miss how things were like when we were young. I regret on stupid things i do that lost your trust. but today im stuck with that label... the disappointment..."

When daddy associate my failure in relationship with my character... "Daddy, I also wished i knew the reasons... but he left me, for other girls... your girl is stupid to dive deep into the water forgetting she cant swim... i need your strong arms to pull me up and tell me its alright you are with me, that guy is a jerk... Or even if u lie saying that i would also be contented as compared to how u use yr hand to just keep pushing my drowning self down into the water over n over each time u say its all cos of me that he left..."

Lastly, "Daddy, not all churches are the same... im growing well in the church i am in. I really hope you will see it for yourself one day when u come n see what we do, how im loved, how our pastors senior leaders and leaders love us all... Daddy, I didnt show my concern about your health problems cos i saw yr didnt wanna talk much abt it. But everyday daddy, I pray for God to be with you and heal you daddy. My friends in church are praying for u too daddy... I really hoping you will come with me to seek God's healing be it be just a tumor, now we dont know if its benign not still... N i wanna take that step of faith that everything is going to be alright to your health, because I love you alot..."

Yes, it hurt alot for the slaps, punches n kicks u gave in the middle of the night when i was alone. Yes i feared alot, agreeing to get out of hse if u could put that raised fist down... but still, im sorry i disappointed u, angered you, made u think i didnt care abt what u say, but i really love u, love mummy, love this family. 

Remembered what I learnt in followup earlier. I will not sin n i will renounce the stronghold through prayer... I prayed in the toilet after that, still holding that little faith that things will get better... For the bible said in 1 Peter 2:19-20: 

For this is a gracious thing, when, mindful of God, one endures sorrows while suffering unjustly. For what credit is it if, when you sin and are beaten for it, you endure? But if when you do good and suffer for it you endure, this is a gracious thing in the sight of God.

God will move you one day, I believe.

After all, this BMT training n going home late is making this not an easy task to finish... But while i was hurt once more, I was touched when i saw how my CG friends came for me on a sat aftrnn to spend time with me, love me n encourage me... handwritten card, zambuk and cake... I really was touched n glad to have everyone in my life, being here through my walk with God to always pour love into the small spaces that appeared when faith leaks out in my life, empowering me to be even stronger as i grow in God.

Come! BMT Day 3! Thats today! Morning, everything appeared like nthing happened at home? we had bkfast tgt, daddy even wanted give me his wonton for my missing one in the packet im eating haha... Thank God for making this cold war a short one this time. Today is a whole lot of growing in God... from the powerful service that Charleston led, relating so much to me and the problems i had been facing this few days, the raaa raaa....

In John 21, Man without vision will always go back to their past! no way i gonna go back...in verse 4 reassured me that yes, God was with me, he heard my prayers in the toilet that day to make this argument a short one... cos like what the bible said, literally by morning, God showed himself and everything is going to be alright... I had a good breakfast with my family...

Today is the rare days for family day again... wanted join them but theres a greater yearn and hunger in me to go to the presence of God in the house of God where i really grew... Im blessed for my family, but for today i need to follow who had blessed me with that for there are more i needed to learn and grow in... 

After praying n praying to lift my family up to God or this week, I felt strongly today that i want more from the mighty God, asking God to give me a revelation, a vision; how i can bring my dad to church... I really want it badly... initially, nthing happened... nthing... 

Have Faith... prayed louder n stronger n God gave me a vision during the last worship song... it flashed for seconds but i saw... myself sitting in the audi facing the stage worshipping God. From the view of the stage, seems like the cafe side of center block seats, near the middle rows. I have my left hand raised, right hand across the shoulder of daddy :):):) couldnt it be an imagination? but faith made me believe that God wanted show me his plans, letting me know that yes my dad will me moved one day!

BMT, i continued asking God for the direction to do it as i felt the strong presence of God in Henderson room. As many prayed in tongues, i specifically asked God "God! Please speak to me God! God please give me a word to what i should do to bring my dad my family to you... Give me a vision how to..."

Answer lied under my new fig tree... God reminded me of what Canon J John shared in the service on evangelism, praying over the pillow... I went like "God, sure not??", but didnt Canon J John himself shared testimonies that it works? That it is... the power of prayer... power of 1st hand revelations that God assured me of.

During BMT today, we were asked to pray to ask God for a vision to show us what his plans are for each of us in which ministries... Didnt quite get it. Got a flash of recept counter eventually but deep down I had felt this strong hold that God wanted me to be in first aid? How can it be that in just one week i helped a young boy who fell on escalator to treat his wound that I happened to pass by, and today the old lady who fell right where we were at that time at paya lebar for me to minister to her? Both times i felt so strongly i needed be there to help n each time ppl thought i was a nurse or some professional in first aid... God, which one is it...

Today I really felt the hunger for God's words for me. Like what Pastor Lia said in the sermon on waterstop, I need to run from one waterstop to waterstop, I need to slow down and ensure that the water is fully consumed and not spilt all over like how runners who run at waterstops. I want to run from one revelation to another. But I needed to know the Logos of God's words before I can get what is for me, the true Rhema to revelations!

As I read Luke chapter 10, I felt strongly about God's plans for me. Jesus told the religious scholar that we just needed to Love the Lord our God with PASSION and PRAYER and muscle and intelligence, loving our neighbour just like how we will love ourselves. He specifically added, "DO IT AND YOU'LL LIVE" But the powerful story did not stop there, when Jesus told a story about a man travelling from Jerusalem to Jericho, attacked by the robbers who robbed of what he have and beat him up till half-dead; to define the neighbour that we should love and how we should love them...

In Luke 10:331-37~~A priest was on his way down the same road, but when he saw him he angled across to the other side. Then a Levite religious man showed up; he also avoided the injured man. A Samaritan travelling the road came on him. When he saw the man's condition, his heart went out to him. He gave him first aid, disinfecting and bandaging his wounds. Then he lifted him onto his donkey, led him to an inn, and made him comfortable. In the morning he took out two silver coins and gave them to the innkeeper, saying, 'Take good care of him. If it costs any more, put it on my bill - I'll pay you on my way back.'  "What do you think? Which of the three became a neighbor to the man attacked by robbers?" The one who treated him kindly," the religion scholar responded. Jesus said, "Go and do the same."

This story spoke right through me and made me wonder why did I even care so much of what happen the whole week from Weds i treated a homeless old man to KFC rice bucket to Thurs i helped in first aid of the injured boy or what happened to the old lady who fell at paya lebar mrt, was it what God wanted hint hint me thats the ministry i should be in?? My heart went out to the old man who sat beside me in KFC gulping down litres of water from his 1.5L bottle... KFC gave me a free meal on that day anyway as apologies to my fall the other day. What's more, the smile the old man gave and seeing him gobble down the food in hunger is all worth the money i gave back, the old man who loiters around everyday in hunger as the manager of KFC told me... The little boy bleeding profusely at one corner with pain. I fell on escalator too a few mths back.It IS painful... I was rushing but my heart went out to him, pressing on the wound n assuring the boy and making sure i look into the details on stopping the bleed, disinfecting the wound b4 putting plaster... The old lady who fell backwards n hit the head against the letterbox a distance away, I could have turn away and let others help her out. But I just felt i NEEDED to be there within the crowd of panicked passerbys. All these in one week, each time there was an initial struggle to whether i should reach out my hand, but i remembered one of the service Pastor How preached about how we want to do what God would have done if He is in the situation, being God-like. My heart was nervous initially, but once i reached out to help, each time i felt the peace and calmness to deal with everything. After all im just a therapist student not very certified in first aider. Doing what I know in stopping bleeding n cleaning wounds, remembering how i always do initial assessments on asking the old uncles and aunties in the hospital on pain level and testing their range to see if any muscles and bones not in good function...

God i will follow your plans for me. I don't need to be a first aider to help anyone in need. I dont need to be someone really rich to help the poor who needed more than i do. I dont need to be really rich to provide to the building fund. I want to be like the ordinary Samaritan who just needed that loving heart that goes out to anyone around me who need me. I know i am here in HOGC for a reason, in my family as 1st gen Christian for a reason. I am willing to give up my comfort zone to serve unconditionally and to raise up a whole new generation from my generation on...

God is Real...

Today was the day when my life changed. It was the first day I ever felt God so real with me and spoke to me really clearly, not just once, but many many times throughout the day. It’s the second H&M I’m attending and yes, the question bothered me from the first H&M service, whether I would be going up to get healed by the omnipotent God. Service was similar to yesterday’s, Pastor How and Pastor Lia preached about what they had said yesterday. But today, God reiterated his question to me….

“What are you afraid of?”

I remembered this was the exact same question that God asked me in clear voices through Charlotte yesterday. What am I afraid of? I remembered myself not knowing what to answer and replied “I don’t know, im just afraid.” Later changed the topic despite her asking again what I was afraid of. But today as Pastor How preached about the top 10 things people are afraid of, I realised yeah, so we rather deal with bugs, ghosts and zombies than to be out there being judged by people around us? I remembered when I was really young, I would dial my grandma’s number at night when I realised I was the last one awake at home, just to make sure that I was not the last one to be asleep in this world. I was afraid of ghosts bugs n basically everything. But, that was the time when I took part in a lot of competitions like storytelling in front of the school and judges panel, I performed Indian dance and Chinese dance despite I look like a ball spinning around the stage. As year passed I started getting more and more not happy about my appearance, basically getting mocked at by schoolmates about how fat I am, how ugly my mole on the chin was and so on… sneers about how fat I was went on even when I worked as a chef after alevels, being judged everywhere I go. I was unhappy in school n part of it came from judgement from classmates not wanting to be in the same project group with me in poly because my health was not in good terms, getting MC now n then, getting hospitalised… I guess the fear for these judgements was what made me consider going up for H&M. What if I cry until very ugly? What if my colleagues happen to see me up there n started asking me about it the next day at work? Too many considerations just to avoid getting judged.

Secondly, I knew very well of my fear of falling. Anyone who knows me well would know how much I hated roller coaster rides or basically anything that would leave my heart behind while I fall. I’ve heard about how many could fall under the touch of God and of course seen that in H&M yesterday myself. What if I fall backwards n the person behind couldn’t support me? As usual I worried about how I’m too heavy lols.

“Fear”, “Afraid”, “Scared”… all these negative thoughts filled me until God suddenly spoke to me again, this time in Mark 4: 35-41, where Jesus calms the storm. Mark 2:41, Jesus said to his disciples, “Why are you so afraid? Have you still no faith?”. This was when I realised, God I believe in you, for you will do wonders to me just like how you did to my grandpa…

As I went up to the front, each and every step I took, I felt eyes looking at me but strangely I felt that nothing matter that much anymore, as every step I felt God closer to me, something I had never felt before. There was no embarassment at all, in fact i felt proud to be the lucky one to be in front to be nearer to God, to talk to him personally. And as I waited for my turn to be prayed for, the insecurities were gone as I sang loudly, and all I remembered was what Pastor Lia shared on Isaiah 54:1, to sing and rejoice even when we feel barren, not letting circumstances in life affect me.

As I stood in front of the stage, right in the middle, I looked up at the singing worship team. I felt God asked me again if I wanted to be part of them one day, to sing and worship in front of everyone. I knew I felt that peace in my heart that God gave me to say that I would love to, without caring about the judgements at all….

It was my turn. I remembered having the urge to turn n look at who was behind me for support me if i fall,whether he or she big size enough nt haha, but i didnt cos i wanted to trust in God. One of the female senior leader asked, “What do you want me to pray for you today?” I replied, “actually I have kyphoscoliosis…” by then I was all in tears as I felt strongly that God was with me, ready to do his wonder. I prayed in tongues, fighting back the sniffles as Senior Leader placed her right hand on my head, praying to God to be straighten my back. The next moment was something I never never felt before. Everything in front of my eyes turned into bright light, I felt myself losing balance as I fell back. The very initial moment I knew fear surge right through every bit of me. Im falling! But in a split second I felt a pressure right on my heart as if preventing it from leaving me just like what I had mentioned about fear of leaving my heart behind from free falling. I could felt a strong arm holding on to my back, sliding from the lower back upwards as I fell. Everything felt so quick but the fall was like the slow motion films…  As I was lowered, I felt a gentle tug on my back and there I lay, already sobbing like mad. Firstly, I felt God’s assurance to me to trust and have faith that he will hold on to me, so closely. Secondly, my back that laid on the ground felt different. I remembered how the hump on the left lower back seems to get in the way… but at that time, I felt the coolness of the ground evenly distributed on both sides… no bumps getting in the way. It was really overwhelming… God, did you really did something to my back?

As I took some time to calm myself down I heard the beautiful voices of people singing around me, rejoicing on how great our God is. I stood up, carefully placed my hand to my back. Something felt different. Flatter… Bump is still there, but it felt slightly flatter… the pain on the lower back that was caused by the hyperextension to counter the curvature was gone, and for the rest of the day, I felt I stood straighter without the lower back strain. God is Great…

On the way home I was again reminded of God’s love as I sit squarely into the seat, feeling both sides of my back against the cooling backrest. If not for God revealing Himself through my friends and assuring me over and over again, I guess I would have missed the opportunity to meet God and feel his love for me so close.

God spoke to me again then to remind me to not fear the judgements of people around me about my appearance and size; for He gave me a body for me to treasure and love. I remembered how I at times had not been eating well, had not been sleeping well, or sometimes trying too hard in gym just to slim it down… Again I felt God telling me “Have faith, I will do wonders to heal your back but you got to promise to take care of this body”. Promise made, just between me and God.

Everything was overwhelming but today God became so real, today I hear every single word he spoke into my heart my mind, today I saw all the promises God made to me, today I believe God can heal me until I am all well, all with that faith and my promise I made back to Him…