1. Have that mean I had given in to fate and didnt even bother to correct it already...
2. Others always reply "its just an excuse la you..."
Many times I asked myself if I had brought this upon myself. I remembered the day my elder sister wore the back brace for her scoliosis for the first time, she cried n cried cos it was uncomfortable. My parents cried cos it hurt them to see their child like this. That day I excused myself n remembered going into the room and said, "if my elder sister can get better, if my sister dont cry, i am willing to take her place! I can be the one with scoliosis if she dont cry..." Few years later when my sister stopped wearing braces, I was called upon the school nurse to follow up with the specialist for scoliosis...
Sometimes I asked myself had it been because of me going for grocery shopping with my mum every week and carry the load of a week's grocery for 9 pax on my back each time we come back from the market. There and then I started doing it when I was only Primary 2, when Sengkang was just bare land and we need to travel to Hougang to get groceries.
So then, my first scoliosis check... 40degrees. My mum asked if i needed a back brace like my elder sister and I remembered the doctor said "actually, I dont think the back brace will be that effective for your daughter actually. The back brace does not correct, it just prevents the back from worsening, and besides that I think shes done with puberty not growing in height all this already, probably brace wont work. For anyone with 40degrees and above, a back brace wont work anyway. Regina needs a surgery." I did not opt for the surgery. I saw mum's face change when she knew the surgery is going to cost more than $10000 and how her daughter will be sliced apart on the back n screw rods n screws to the spine.
And so, I just come for follow up checks. 50 degrees the next yr. 55 degrees the yr after... Each time the doctor asked if I wanted to go for operation n I shook my head. Then the doctor said he will have to discharge me since Im not going to do anything.
A few years later, my back started aching each and every day. Then, I was JC 2 and I requested to be referred back. Good thing is I referred myself back at the right time such that my fees will still be subsidised at student rate even after graduation from JC, but still, each visit costed $60 at least...
The first check, close 60degrees. 2nd check a yr later it dropped back to 53. Then 50... Then 45++ and stagnated there.
24 July 2013, I found out the real reason behind the improvement in degrees which I had been happy about. NUH invested in this 2 plane xray machine n there my xray was taken not just the front view anymore, but the side view showed the lumbar kyphosis that came together. I straightened my body to bring it back to norm position to deal with the ugly look i had for scoliosis, but I caused my back to be forced to compensate and turn the other way round... I smiled and just said ohhh thats why.... but deep down I knew im in trouble cos this degenerative just cant get away from me and look at that hyperextended lower back that impinges and causing much pain... Life is unfair why is it only me...
16 July 2014, check again. not much changes... but this check was the most judged one i ever felt. That day my ex offered to come for the check with me. But when I saw his mum tagging along and she asking questions abt it running in the genes etc. I knew she worried abt me being with her son. Each qn she asked made me uneasy and wanted to dig a hole to hide from her judgemental look. I remembered feeling sorry for being someone whom she felt disabled and so... I just felt useless anyway...
This is yesterday's xray. 7 July 2015. No changes at all. But each procedure I went through was no longer fearful. I had my mum with me. More importantly, I was excited for the testimony that God will put into my life. I remembered Nats shared on the train one day after I gave my life to Jesus not long later, about H&M. She asked me if Ive got anything I want to be prayed for or anyone else in my life needs to be prayed for. It was then she shared about how a girl got healed of her scoliosis. I was so new to God that time, I didn't even know God does healing and he CAN actually heal anything as there wasnt any healing healing thing done in my previous religion anw. Testimony of that girl awed me and I wanted to be like her. During my first H&M i felt the peace in my heart and took a step of faith for the first time and experienced that touch of God; not just the presence but I felt God's promising touch and love so close for the first time in my life. That day I cried like a baby but it did not matter anw already. Since then, I look forward for this xray to show everyone how Great our God is. Today I can smile bcause God loves me so much, and this is why...
As I went into the doctor's room to listen to the 'verdict' of how my back has changed. Deep down i prayed that H&M would have changed my life some way or another because God really felt so real for both H&M as I fell under his touch. Doctor said, "actually there is no change at all to the degree". Sighs. Really, how can I not get disappointed about it when I really wished I could get that breakthrough too. Just when I tried getting over that disappointment deep inside, while i continued smiling, the doctor continued, "actually, its strange. I am surprised at your case. usually people with your case, by now I would see how they hunch forward more and more every single year i see them, or the degree worsen... but u didnt! the degree remained the same, you are still standing upright... nothing changed!"
The words "I am surprised" placed that HUGE faith back into me. Those words the doctor said made me smile the biggest smile and deep down I felt the disappointment gone too and I smiled deep down. I knew God was there with me. It wasnt what the doctor name it as just a miracle, but I knew God had made the surprises. Today God had shown me how could find real joy amidst of trials. This kyphoscoliosis has been with me for so long and will be with me for more years to come. Today I believed that God had planned this to be with me to make me stronger from the judgements people placed on me, from the pain I experienced to the point that sometimes the pain shoots up the spine with every step I took. God placed that peace in my heart to no longer fear about how things will become with this degenerative spine for He will be there, still WILLING and CAN heal me so long I believe in him.
Matthew 9:27-33
As Jesus went on from there, two blind men followed Him, crying out, "Have mercy on us, Son of David!" When He entered the house, the blind men came up to Him, and Jesus said to them, "Do you believe that I am able to do this?" They said to Him, "Yes, Lord." Then He touched their eyes, saying, "It shall be done to you according to your faith."
Faith changed all I've seen about this problem of mine. Yes i said problem cos it had inevitably affected me especially when pain comes. But today I no longer feel fearful about how this will be with me for life and worsen cos God can bring a breakthrough for me. I no longer feel small from the judgements people made cos while Fear make us loveless, powerless and mindless, but I have faith to feel loved, powerful and mindful! 2 Corinthians 12:9-10
And He has said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness " Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ's sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong.
5 years back I wouldn't have shared these anywhere to anyone. Never will I anyhow share the scary xrays, but today on, each xrays and updates about my back is a testimony of God's love for me and how God made me stronger and stronger to no longer need to live in that little bubble of mine, not willing to step out to the world outside that thin layer of so called protection. God is that real protection I can fall back on and with Faith, I really believe Kyphoscoliosis is not a disability.
No comments:
Post a Comment